The making of this episode taught me many things. One is that many good ideas don’t start that way. Thanks to the guest, this episode took a different turn.
So I sent him 15 questions in total to answer, but he went about doing it in a different way. That led me to think of other ways to go about the episode. And thanks to the Holy Spirit, because it wasn’t by my power, I got this idea and I love it. It has also given birth to other ideas as well.
Enjoy the episode!
This episode took a different direction when my guest shared his story of addiction and recovery in his own way. We talked about how addiction can begin with something that feels good but gradually takes control of a person’s life.
He shared the painful effects of Tramadol and ICE addiction and how his faith in God became central to his recovery. We also talked about glamorising drug use, bad habits, and why people struggling with addiction should seek help and know that they aren’t alone.
[Speaker 2] We have our very first proper proper guest, he’s someone I’ve known since he was a child. My sister went to church, heard his testimony, told me about it, I reached out and he was kind enough to do this. I’m Nessa Hagoz and this is Bathroom Musings episode 11.
So first, welcome. Let’s get right into it. Introduce yourself, tell us how you started taking ICE, how you progressed and what was the motivation to continue taking?
[Speaker 1] My name is Crown, I’m an ex-addict of Tramadol and ICE. Well, I started taking Tramadol, that was nine years ago. Well, I started it when I entered university, that was in Futo.
So I tried it as a normal drug, because normally Tramadol is an opioid, it’s a painkiller. It’s a drug for pain, it’s for moderate pain, but you know, people abuse Tramadol a whole lot. So they have 25 milligrammes, they have 50 milligrammes, they have 100 milligrammes, 120 milligrammes, they have 200 milligrammes.
I was taking 200 milligrammes, so it all started by taking just one. Yeah, the high was okay, I loved the feeling. Yeah, it made me bold, because I’ve been a shy person and I’ve always felt like I always had this emptiness of myself.
I’ve never felt myself, I had this low esteem though, when I was still growing up. I never felt this much love around me, and I never had this boldness to come out and cry and talk to people. So I felt that was giving me what I wanted.
But gradually, as days, years keep passing, I was taking from one to two, from two to three, from three to four, from four to five, from five to six. All of a sudden, I became extremely addicted to it. I was taking it every day, most of the time, a carton of it, one pack of it.
I was doing that, doing that till I had an issue with my ex when I was still in the world, when I was still in relationships. So me and my ex separated after we are living together in Brazil, actually, for four years. During my final year, yeah, we separated.
So that was when I met a guy called Victor, that was into trauma done on eyes. He was a sickle cell patient, yeah. So the drug was given to him from doctor’s prescription.
They prescribed it for him because of his health issue. So he was taking it. And he was also taking eyes, you understand?
So he was taking it too. But as I met him, then I was depressed. I wanted to try something new.
Because one thing about the trauma though is that when you keep taking it, you don’t feel the high anymore. You want to go on, on the dose, higher, higher, higher dose. So when I first tested eyes, I was like, wow, this is a different feeling.
So from there, I was taking the two drugs every day, every day to kill the depression, the anxiety and everything. I felt out that would actually help me, but it couldn’t help me. So it was really a very biggest moment of my life.
[Speaker 2] Wow. Like, oh my goodness. Okay.
So I told you, it was my sister who told me about your testimony. She didn’t tell me about the trauma at all thingy. Yeah, she didn’t.
And that’s the scary, frightening thing about Ditchion is how it progresses and just keeps getting worse. There was this… Okay, let me just tell this story.
So back then in uni, there was this guy who came to my lodge. I didn’t know him from Adam. He came to see a friend, but I just felt like there was something sick and dark in him.
It was just in his eyes. I could tell that this person, something, something is wrong somewhere. Back then, smartphones weren’t really rampant.
It was just the normal Nokia phones, then some BlackBerry phones also. So I took his phone. I was going through pictures.
What could you do on a phone back then? Play games, check pictures and videos. And remember, you wouldn’t know most times, you wouldn’t know what was in a video until you actually played it.
So I was going through his pictures, through his gallery rather. And then I stumbled on a video of a woman doing sexual stuff with a horse. I was stunned.
I’m not joking. I was shocked. And it’s not like I had a relationship with God then.
I was deep in sin then. But, even with my own bad behaviour, I was like, no. Guy like, nah, no.
Not this. Not this. You know, it’s just like in this prison system, yeah?
Prisoners, there’s a general area where most prisoners are. But there’s also an area in a prison where people who hurt women and children are kept because other inmates would hurt them. Those inmates are not saints.
They are criminals. But there’s just this thing in human beings. There’s just a line that you shouldn’t cross.
So even as bad as I was then, I was just like, no. No. And I don’t believe that guy started with watching stuff like that.
I believe it was vanilla stuff. And it progressed. It got worse.
It got darker. It got to that point. Even if you could see my face, thinking about it, there are just some things you really can never unsee.
That you wish you didn’t see. And that is one of them. So yeah.
Wow, okay. Like, 200. Oh gosh, okay.
So before I ask you the next questions, I want to touch on Victor for a minute. Because it’s very easy for us to start judging him. Because like, guy, you are going through something.
Anyone who knows someone that has sexual anaemia would know that it’s a painful sickness. So you ask yourself, you are going through this thing, and you are further jeopardising your health by taking substances like this. How?
And the thing is that, I’d like to think that he just got addicted to the feeling that those drugs gave him. So those drugs are helping mask his pain. Because it’s a very painful sickness.
It’s a painful sickness. The bones would ache. If you’ve never had someone suffering from this, you wouldn’t understand.
It’s a very painful sickness. So before you start judging, ask yourself, in what area of your life are you doing something that you know is hurting you? It’s wrong for you, for your health, for those around you.
But you just keep doing it, you know? If you check it, 98% of us, including moi, we are guilty of this type of behaviour. Okay, so you can answer these questions in any order you choose.
But like, when did I start becoming something that you needed? How did you go through all of this? How did you come out of it?
How did you survive the withdrawal? Because it must have been very painful and difficult. And also, what was the biggest thought you were telling yourself?
Because you had to be convincing yourself to remain in that situation. What were you willing to tell yourself to remain there?
[Speaker 1] Okay, when I started becoming something I needed was when actually I kept taking it and my body built a tolerance. It’s called tolerance. When you’re taking a drug and you don’t actually feel the high anymore.
Now you’re taking the drug because you don’t want to fall sick. You’re not taking the drug anymore because it’s making you go high. So you’re taking it because when you stop taking it, your body gets sick.
You understand? So at that point in my life, I was facing that. I was taking the drug not because I was feeling the high anymore much.
I wasn’t feeling it but I didn’t want to be in a state of feeling sick. So I was taking the two drugs every day. And when I actually stopped it was that I started taking things that were not my own.
Stealing from my parents, taking from people. And my friends around me saw the behaviour. One, I can’t sleep at night.
Me and my friends, we are taking it. So we don’t even sleep at night. If you eat good food, you start sleeping down.
There’s always misunderstanding. You’re always thinking about women. You’re chasing even your customers.
Even a customer in your shop, you chase the woman. And it got to the point in time when I was selling everything in my shop. I had a shop.
I lost everything because of the drug, the addiction and everything. I used to go to my dad’s shop and I almost took down his business for that. But that was where God took me because I knelt down.
Because I’ve lost everything. My dad even took my case to the church. And the church had to even pray and everything.
So I stayed one day. I opened Deuteronomy. That is chapter 8 down.
I read down and that’s what was talking about me. That was when God took me. I also read Jonah.
The Holy Spirit led me to Jonah. I was like, wow, so God knew about me. That was trying to say that I was running and running and running away.
So I felt hopeless in my life. I felt like a depressed person. But when actually God came to my life and everything.
Because a rehab centre can’t save you. Going to a rehab will never save you. The only thing that will save you is when you bring it to God.
And when I brought it to God, what happened? God will give me the time. God will tell me, today you will take it.
First of all, you have to leave ice. Face Tramadol. Because that’s the only way you stop a drug.
If you’re addicted to two drugs, you must quit one and face that one. So I was taking that one very well. I was taking Tramadol.
I started taking Tramadol very well. Then the Holy Spirit told me, okay, now you’ve taken Tramadol enough. What you do today you’ll take.
Tomorrow you’ll not take. Today you’ll take. Tomorrow you’ll not take.
Until next week you’ll tell me. Today you’ll take. Next two days you won’t take.
You’re not taking this again. I felt sick. Even giving those spaces, I even felt sick.
Talking about when I finally stopped, I had insomnia. I could not sleep at night. I was crying.
I was praying. Crying and praying to God. I was obeying his word.
He started to switch everything. Hey, go and preach the gospel. Go and do this.
Go and meet this person. Talk to this person. He was distracting my mind with things.
Go here, go back here. I was doing everything God was telling me to do. Praise the Lord.
One thing about addiction is addiction will never help you. Addiction will never do you any good thing in your life. Addiction can actually get you destroyed.
Destroyed. The biggest lie to myself was that I was thinking this was going to be a saviour to me. It was going to make me feel bold and everything.
The first time I took it, I felt that kind of way. Now, I got to the point where trauma doesn’t give me that feeling anymore of being bold. Instead, anytime I’m not on the feeling, I feel so depressed.
I feel so down. It’s not something I would wish my enemies to pass through. Withdrawal symptoms.
Especially when you go cold talking. Cold talking in the sense of you don’t want to take it throughout the day. You will fall sick.
Extreme sick. Addiction. Addiction, especially trauma.
Meds. Meds is a stimulant. Trauma is a painkiller.
Mixing these two drugs together is called something I can’t remember. It’s dangerous to the health. One thing that changed everything was that God was so faithful.
He came into my life and took away everything from my life. The thing I’m trying to say is that God is not saying to stop the drug and follow Him. What God is saying is that you should bring the drug to Him and He will remove it from your life.
And how I actually survived the drug and everything. How I actually passed through everything was very brutal. But the first time, all the time, I tried to stop by myself.
I couldn’t stop until I involved Jesus Christ.
[Speaker 2] When you talked about running down your business, your friends, losing weight. I was really thinking about people who post videos or pictures of themselves doing drugs online. And the things that you don’t know.
You don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors. It’s just so funny how they tend to glamorise things like substance abuse. Inside you don’t know.
I remember I had this friend who I took as a sister. I still love her despite everything. She was so kind.
So much fun to be around. She was so beautiful. Then she started doing drugs.
Things she’d never tolerate. She started tolerating because she was addicted. She was in a despicable thing that they were calling a relationship.
Because that was not a relationship at all. It was a toxic bondage. She was in this thing with this guy who was drip feeding her drugs.
And he would ravish this wonderful, beautiful lady. Then keep her with him, keep her docile by giving her just enough. Drugs.
Just enough to keep her. She started behaving in ways that made me feel so sorry for her. Sincerely, I didn’t have judgemental feelings towards her.
I wasn’t angry with her. I wasn’t like, how could you? What I felt was, why?
Why? Why? I felt so sorry for her.
Truly sorry for her. So yeah, you don’t know. You really don’t know.
Until you get close to these people. And for someone whose recovery, whose journey to recovery from OCD was unconventional. I totally understand the unconventional way you got out of ice and tramadol addiction.
And it’s also important to state that there are systems out there that are built to handle addictions. So, seek help. Okay?
You can visit. I don’t know the people who are in charge, the medical term for those in charge of dealing with addictions. But yeah, seek help.
Okay, so I really want to know, talk more about addiction. If you were to talk to someone about addictions, about ice addiction, what would you say? Talk more about it to us.
[Speaker 1] What I want the world to know about this is that, don’t ever in your life, as a young person. I even feel tears coming out of my eyes saying this. Don’t you ever, as a young person, enter into anything called addiction.
I’m telling you, if it’s only taking God’s grace for you to come out. Because taking addiction, when you’re addicted to something, when you get addicted to the thoughts of the devil. Because I would tell the young people something.
Anyone out there taking any pain, you’re not addicted to the drug. You’re addicted to what the devil is telling you. You’re addicted to the thoughts of the devil.
The point in time you start listening to what God is telling you. Because the thought is the voice. You’re listening to the voice of the devil.
When he tells you, hey, go and take this drug in the morning, you run. Take it in the afternoon, you run and take it. Then, can you imagine when the devil tells you, take this drug in the morning.
Then you go back to the Bible, to the word of God. What is God saying? Yeah, the devil is saying I should take this drug.
But God is saying, thou shall not live by bread alone, but by the word of God. And what is the word of God saying? Yeah, don’t take it.
Because the word of God will always lead you to Jesus Christ. That’s when you know that God is talking to you. So, imagine, that’s how I conquer.
When the devil tells me, take this. What is God telling me? God says I should not take this today.
It’s only tomorrow, I’ll take it. Then I’ll take it tomorrow. Then when that tomorrow reaches, when the devil comes and tells me, take it like three.
I’ll say, what is God telling me today? God is telling me to take only one and I obey the word. That’s what God is saying.
You will discover that when you get addicted to the word of God. Meaning that when God is telling you to do this and do this and do that. You are addicted to what God is telling you to do.
I will tell you something. That’s when you know that you are not addicted to the drug. You are addicted to what the devil has been telling you to do.
The devil can tell you, go and do this, go and do this. And when you keep doing all those things. You are addicted to the devil’s thoughts.
And the devil’s thoughts will be louder than God’s voice. Amen. What I’m telling every young people is that.
If you’ve already started taking the drug. The only thing I will tell you is that. Listen to what God is saying.
Go to the word of God. You can only conquer the devil. You can only counter the devil with the word of God.
And when you put the word of God in it. When you bring it to God. When you bring your addiction.
I did two drugs. I was addicted to two drugs. But I brought it to God.
And when you bring it to God. What happens? God will remove it gradually out of your life.
Everything. I was a scammer. The problem is not the drug.
The problem is the addiction of the word of the devil. With being addicted to what the devil is telling you. If you’re addicted to what God is telling you.
For one week. One week. Being addicted to what God is telling you.
I’m telling you that that devil’s voice will go down. And when the devil’s voice goes down. Your addiction is gone.
Amen.
[Speaker 2] I read. Dopamination. If you haven’t read the book.
Please read it. It was about a guy. Addicted to self-pleasure.
To the point where he started using electric charges. That book truly scared me. While I was reading.
I told myself something. Don’t ever start a bad habit. I have a little confession.
I love the taste of toothpaste. No matter how bland it tastes. I love the taste of toothpaste.
And it’s a plus really. Because I don’t need to be. I don’t need motivation to brush my teeth.
I in fact look forward. To brushing my teeth. While I was.
So when I was doing something. After I was done with the book. I was doing something and.
The thought came. Let’s lick toothpaste. I said no.
It was like the no was so vehement. Like if that thought. Had a physical form.
I would have given it the dirtiest. Most painful slap of its life. I was like no.
If you lick toothpaste. You get to the point where. You need like.
You’re going through tubes of toothpaste. Like that. Gosh.
I said no. No. So that’s.
Bad habits. Don’t start. Okay.
Don’t just start it. You’ve said a lot. But I wanted to talk to.
That person. Currently struggling with. Ice addiction.
Talk to that person.
[Speaker 1] If I could sit across. Like. People taking it.
Honestly. What I’m going to tell you is. I will start crying.
Serious tears. Extreme tears because. I understand what’s the problem.
I understand. What addiction is. I understand what substance abuse is.
But the only thing God is saying. The only thing. I’m going to tell any of them is.
Don’t stop it. You will never stop it. The only thing you have to do.
Is to bring it to God. Bring it to what. The word of God is saying.
When you bring it to the word of God. Then the word of God. Talk about that addiction.
And when the word of God. Talks about it. There’s a spirit.
That comes in between. That pierces through your soul. That pierces through your body.
That pierces through your marrow. That pierces you through. When you bring it.
And knowing that word. Is so powerful. When you start obeying that word today.
Obeying that word tomorrow. And that word is always going to tell you. Hey.
Take it today. Deep down. It’s going to tell you.
That is if you are attentive. And listening. That’s if your heart is broken.
I will tell them. Hey. Go to the word of God.
Bring it to God. God loves you. I’m an example to you.
Look at me. You know me. There are so many people out there.
That know me. You know me. Why can’t you understand.
What God did to me. I remember the time. Most people were telling me.
Hey. You can never stop this. Let’s leave all this talk of stopping.
Because I used to tell most people then. Guy. I wish we would stop this thing one day.
It would be like. It’s not possible. I would be like.
Even me. I don’t even think it’s possible. But if I could stop.
If I could try all the years of my life. Trying to stop. And I could not stop it.
But when I brought it to God. God took it away from me. So why do you think.
God can’t stop your own addiction. Why do you think. You can’t be liberated.
Do you think the devil. Hasn’t come to steal. To kill.
And to destroy you. What if you keep taking it. And your kidney has a problem.
Or your liver has a problem. Now your kidney is still okay. Now your stuffs are still okay.
Why can’t you bring it to Jesus. The author. And the finisher of our faith.