I didn’t plan on posting this episode. In fact, I was set to publish one with a friend who fell in love with a narcissist, but I couldn’t get the recording or the format I wanted in time. That’s how the idea for this one was born.
I heard this story years ago on a radio program and it was a woman who asked the question. I asked the men the male version and the women the female version to take any bias out of their answers.
Some answers really shocked me, some made me laugh, and some made me really think, like, “mm, that makes sense, didn’t expect that from you.”
I am always grateful to my friends for doing these recordings for me. The reason why the answers are usually so varied is because I never tell them what to say. I just give them the questions and ask them to record.
In fact, for this episode, I told them not to tell me their answers directly but just to record and send them to me.
Testing positive on an HIV test is not something anyone would wish for themselves, but it’s not a death sentence and there is care for you.
I have linked two resources in the links section. Please take good care of yourself.
Please remember that this episode explores a moral dilemma for discussion purposes only. It isn’t medical advice. The views shared are personal opinions from friends. If you or someone you know needs information about HIV testing, treatment and care, please contact a healthcare professional or visit the resources linked below.
This episode explores a difficult moral dilemma involving friendship, marriage, privacy, betrayal, and possible health risks. I asked my friends what they would do if they promised to keep a friend’s HIV status private but discovered that their spouse was flirting with that friend.
The responses were very different, with some prioritising confidentiality and others believing that preventing possible harm should come first. We also discussed cheating, trust, testing, personal safety, and the difficult choices that can arise when different responsibilities collide.
[Nessa Hagoz] Your friend comes to you with devastating news. They are HIV positive. You comfort them, tell them it’s not a death sentence, and promise not to tell anyone.
In fact, you swear on your life. Then you go home to your spouse. Somehow, you’re scrolling through your partner’s pictures because that’s how stuff like this happens, right? You’re innocently going through the gallery.
Then you stumble on a text, and it’s between your partner and your friend. They are flirting and even planning to meet up. What do you do? Tell your spouse about your friend’s HIV status, although you promised not to, or… I heard this story from a radio programme years ago, and I can’t confirm if it’s true or not.
But I did ask my friends what they would do in this situation, or what they would advise the person in this situation to do. Remember that the opinions shared don’t reflect mine or Bathroom Musings in any way. I’m Nessa Hagoz.
On to the episode.
[Speaker 1] All right. Personally, I would, first of all, go and have my own self checked first, before thinking about anything.
If I find out that I’m HIV negative, I personally allow, I would allow my wife to go and do whatever she wants to do. Knowing fully well that what is done is done, I pack my bags and I go, or she packs her bags and leaves my house. Any which way, the marriage ends that same day.
No questions asked, no advice. I won’t even ask for anybody’s advice. I’ll leave the marriage or she leaves it, and we both go our separate ways.
I would not even tell her the reason. Personally, I wouldn’t even tell her the reason. I would just walk away quietly, have my own peace of mind, because it’s obvious she deserves it, and she will live with it for the rest of her life.
And besides, the other person calling himself my friend is not even my friend, because a friend wouldn’t even do that in the first place. So, it’s good. It’s actually good for both of them.
So, that’s what I’ll do.
[Speaker 2] So, I will advise the woman to leave her husband and be done. Why? Number one, for cheating.
You are married, so what are you doing with another person? And then, for the first confidential statement about her HIV status, I will also advise the lady to not spill her friend’s health status, no matter the problem. So, I would advise her to leave the cheating man. Okay? So, when she leaves, anything the guy gets to see from spending time with the HIV status lady, that’s on him.
Yeah.
[Speaker 3] What will I advise her to do? Tell your husband, even cut off the husband’s health, because why is he planning to meet with your friend in the very first place? And if your friend knows she has HIV and she wants to meet with your husband, she’s even more wicked. Cut the two of them off.
If you love your husband so much, friends come and go. Husbands don’t usually come and go, but friends come and go. Tell your husband, “Oh, my friend has HIV. See my evidence here.” And you’re not going to touch me ever again, because why are you going outside? Go and test yourself and treat yourself to be sure that they’ve not slept before and passed it to themselves. But you have to open your mouth.
If you don’t open your mouth, see yourself. You might join them and have the HIV.
[Speaker 4] First of all, if I was the person, I’m going to tell my wife.
Let her know she’s cheating, let her know who she’s cheating with, and let her know the implication of what she’s about to do. I know it’s hurtful, but for humanity’s sake, I may not be able to forgive her for cheating on me. But for humanity’s sake, I’m already hurt from discovering the fact that my friend has HIV, discovering the fact that my wife is cheating on me.
So it would be evil for me to pay her back, not letting her know what she’s going through, what she’s going into, which is a lifetime thing. So I might not be able to accept her back mentally as a wife, but for humanity’s sake, I would just let her know that my friend has HIV, so that she does not proceed with the cheating with him. Thank you.
[Speaker 5] So for me, I would say that the friend of the man did not do well. And if I was in the position of the man, I wouldn’t have… I don’t think the major issue is with the wife. The issue should be with the friend which he has so much trust in.
So if I was in the man’s position to advise, I would tell him to cut off friendship with such a friend because the person is not even meant to be a friend in the first instance. And also, he should approach the wife and talk together with the wife, get to know the reason why the wife decided to behave in such manner with the friend. So I do not see the issue entirely being on the wife, but on the friend, because if I’m your friend, you should be able to protect my interest.
And this also has to do with having sexual affairs with my own wife, so it’s totally unacceptable.
[Nessa Hagoz] Testing positive on an HIV test could be devastating, heartbreaking, and even scary. But gone are the days when HIV was a death sentence.
There’s care waiting for you. There are two resources, one from the World Health Organisation, the other from United Nations. I’ll pin them in the comments and in the description.
Please get help.
[Speaker 6] Hi. So for me, I feel… Actually, not I feel.
I’ll tell my partner, my husband, because he’s my husband. And I don’t know where their flirting might get to. And I don’t want it to get to the part where they have to sleep with each other, because he’s my husband.
Before your sense uses you, you get. So yeah. Friends will come and go, but my husband, he’s like, we’re supposed to be one and it’s still till death do us part.
So I definitely will tell him, okay? For my own good health.
[Speaker 7] I will definitely tell the woman to expose it to her husband. I don’t think we should keep secrets, this type of secrets from our partners.
If he goes and does something with a woman, or has done something with a woman, you’re the one that’s at risk. Nobody’s going to come and suffer with you. So I know you have a pledge of silence or rather you go and tell this woman, “This is your secret. If you know you want me to keep it, don’t go near my husband. Leave my husband alone. Go and be looking for other men.”
If she does not want to listen, and they’re still fondling around, you do the needful. You do the needful. Protect yourself.
You come first. You come first. You come first before any pledge to any human being.
You come first before anybody, even before the husband himself. So if the husband wants to do nonsense outside, it’s okay. But for you, your own self, your own sake, you can say yes.
The other woman that he’s moving around with, who knows if they have or something like that. But at least the one that you’re sure of, prevent it. It’s not when you’re seeing something in your eye so clearly.
No, no, no, no, no.
[Speaker 8] In my own opinion on this matter is that in the first place, the man shouldn’t have exposed his friend. But however, him keeping quiet, what if his wife may be at risk already? You understand? And he should be in the best position to even encourage his wife to get tested, to avoid any further sexual contact.
You understand? And the last but not the least, privacy matters a lot. That one, starting privacy matters a lot. But preventing possible harm matters too.
So, however, the thing is just gossip. In advising the man, I would simply get to ask him two questions. Is your friend aware that the person, the woman she’s flirting with, is your wife? If he’s fully aware that the woman he’s flirting with is your wife and still goes ahead and flirts with your wife, that he’s asking you to keep such a secret for him confidential…
There’s no secret there. There’s no trust there in the first place. Okay.
Then for your wife, you know, going behind your back to be flirting with your friend, whether knowingly or unknowingly, flirting with another man, you know, that means the marriage or whatever relationship you have with her is about to rock the boat. So, I would simply advise you let her get whatever she wants, you know, because if you try to stop her in this one, there’s every chance that it might occur again and it definitely going to happen. So, just let her get whatever she wants and let her pay the price.
Let the two of them pay the price.