This episode has been a long time coming. It should have been episode 11, but a lot has happened. Finally, it’s here! I want to thank my dearest friend for agreeing to share her story with us. For privacy reasons, I’ve kept her identity anonymous.
I came up with the 20 questions myself because I don’t have enough listeners yet to collect questions from them. However, I chose questions I felt people would naturally be curious to hear the answers to. This wasn’t scripted. I simply sent her the questions, and she sent me her answers based on her experience.
If you know someone in a toxic relationship, or you’re in one yourself, please consider leaving. If leaving isn’t an option right now, please seek professional help.
In this episode, my dear friend shares her experience of being in a toxic relationship with someone she believes displayed narcissistic behaviour. She talks about how they met, what attracted her to him, the challenges they faced, and how the relationship affected her confidence, finances, and emotional well-being.
She also opens up about why she stayed for so long, what finally helped her move on, and the lessons she learned about boundaries, self-worth, and knowing when to let go.
Despite everything she went through, she still believes in love. She shares advice for people who may be experiencing similar relationships and explains why protecting your well-being matters.
[Nessa Hagoz] Narcissist, a person with an inflated sense of self-importance and a deep need for constant praise and attention. They struggle to care about or understand other people’s feelings. Have you ever fallen in love with one? Unfortunately, today’s guest did and is here to answer 20 questions.
This is Bathroom Musings and I am Nessa Hagoz. How did you two first meet and fall in love?
[Guest] Okay, so I met him on a comment section on Instagram. It was really a funny day.
The picture we commented on was a house in Port Harcourt. Back then, I was living in Abuja. So it was a house in Port Harcourt that had multi-painting in each room and then different tiles in each room too.
So it wasn’t really nice and I think I wrote um I think I wrote something about the choice of decoration on the wall. Congratulations to the landlord and then he replied congratulations to the landlord my dear and that was how he came to my DM and we got talking.
[Nessa Hagoz] What were the main things you loved about him in the beginning?
[Guest] Okay, so in the beginning, I loved how he was so good in praying.
He had a very close relationship with God and he has multi-talents like he’s good in singing, playing guitar, he’s good in using the piano, he plays violin like he’s very very talented and he’s very intelligent. I think I like the fact that when I bring up an idea, he knows how to run with the idea. Yeah, so those are the main things I saw in him in the beginning that I loved.
[Nessa Hagoz] Leaving textbook definitions aside, what made you first suspect he was a narcissist?
[Guest] I never suspected because while dating him, I was really clueless too like I didn’t have any knowledge about narcissists and how they behave. Well, I wasn’t understanding what was wrong with him. I knew that something was wrong with him and I kept telling him he was possessed but I didn’t know what narcissism was back then.
[Nessa Hagoz] What were the common issues and arguments you two would always fight about?
[Guest] Ah, so um I don’t like cheating. Nobody does. So when I see him, you know cheating are of different types though.
It’s not only when you have sex or when you are talking to someone. There are so many ways people cheat. The ones you are even sharing your time and attention more to someone that is not your partner and you know that that kind of emotions you’re sharing with that person can lead to something where you are comfortable doing it, then you are also cheating.
So whenever I notice anything sneaky about him, he has a way of like he has a way of denying whatever thing it is I’m complaining about and on my own side, he complains about the way I try to, let me just say, the way I attack him when I want to talk about a problem, you know. Those are the particular issues we have all the time. So there’s one person complaining about somebody’s action and there’s the other one talking about um how the other person is reacting.
That was what it was like.
[Nessa Hagoz] So which of your personal boundaries did he keep crossing over and over again?
[Guest] Ah, I won’t really say because then I don’t think I really had much boundaries. There is none I can remember right now.
[Nessa Hagoz] Did you ever find yourself covering up or making excuses for his bad behaviour?
[Guest] Yes, I did because this is how I met him in the beginning. He was a calm, nice guy that had a very good relationship with God, you know, and he portrayed a picture of him not even having time for ladies. So each time he makes, he does something wrong, I see myself saying, well this is his first relationship and he doesn’t know better.
So I’m going to give him time to know better. So I was making excuses for him.
[Nessa Hagoz] Did he ever try to gaslight you or make you feel like you were the problem?
[Guest] Of course, he did.
Generally, he did. Especially when you come up with a problem with something he did that you don’t like. All he does in return, instead of apologising or getting to hear you to understand you, is to gaslight you.
So yes, he tried to.
[Nessa Hagoz] Did friends or family ask you to walk away and how did you react?
[Guest] Nobody asked me to walk away because even his friends did not understand him. Nobody knew he was that kind of person I was seeing.
Nobody knew him to be someone that has a bad behaviour. They all see the good side of him. So nobody knew what I was facing.
It was almost like I was running mad. It was like I was complaining about something they can’t see in him. So I was a mad person.
Okay, so no one asked me to walk away.
[Nessa Hagoz] Did he ever show true remorse for the hurtful things he did?
[Guest] No, he did not. He did not.
[Nessa Hagoz] Do you think he acted maliciously on purpose or do you view him as a bad person?
[Guest] I think he acted maliciously on purpose because before we started the relationship, we talked about the things we wanted. We talked about our shared values, what we wanted to achieve. Like we had a good conversation on what we want out of that relationship and we were also working towards it.
Okay, so I would say he’s malicious because if we didn’t have that conversation and then you tend to behave anyhow, then I wouldn’t hold you on that. But for the fact that we had a conversation on what we want, where we want to be and how we want to get there and along the line, somebody is misbehaving and making all of those plans abort. Like making all of those plans not just work out the way we planned.
So I would just say he acted maliciously on purpose.
[Nessa Hagoz] Knowing what you knew, why did you stay in the relationship for as long as you did?
[Guest] Being there for that long, you know, the Bible says my people or God said that my people suffer this lack of knowledge.
I didn’t have the kind of knowledge I had then because I was believing that, oh, this guy is going to change if I love him more because it feels like he lacks love and there’s no love at home. Even though there is love at home, but that character he portrays feels like something is missing. So I had that feeling of, okay, I’m going to love you into being a better person, you know.
So I didn’t know narcissism. I didn’t know how all of that, you know, affects someone. Like I was clueless, you know.
So that was what kept me there for long. If I had known what I know now, even from the first three months of knowing him, I don’t think I would have gone any longer than that. Yeah.
[Nessa Hagoz] What parts of yourself did you lose or no longer recognise by the end?
[Guest] That’s a lot. I used to be very confident. I noticed that I was less confident and I used to be someone that worked with time and plan.
I have plans of what I do every single day in my life. So I see myself struggle with being in track of whatever thing I want to do for myself. I also noticed that I became, you know, how do I say that? I talk a lot, I complain a lot about things.
I noticed that I was doing that and I wasn’t like that initially. So those are the things that are the part of myself that I lost and I did not recognise.
[Nessa Hagoz] In what ways did the relationship affect you negatively? Whether financially, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, or psychologically?
[Guest] Funny enough, this relationship affected me in all the ways I just listed.
Financially, both of us were building a business together and the business was making him money but I wish I knew better. I should have also made mine too. After all, we’re working together.
Then spiritually, he really taught me how to be a better person, how to get close to God and have a good relationship with God. He taught me how to bring the Spirit. My spiritual life got super serious when I was around him.
Mentally, he almost turned me into a mad person. I almost collapsed but thank God that I didn’t go crazy because, you know, when someone does something, you try to speak to them about what they did and they tend to act like they don’t know what you are saying and then they get you so pissed to the peak and then you find yourself reacting towards what that person is doing. The person will not come and ask, come and hold on to your reaction like, why would you talk to me in this manner or why would you do like that? But it was what he did that brought me to that place.
So, I was gradually going crazy without going crazy. I was gradually going crazy without going crazy. I’ve talked about the financial, the spiritual and the mental.
Emotionally, I was so in love. I think at a point I was just begging God to keep me alive because my emotions were everywhere. It was just going up and down.
Today I’m happy. The next day I’m sad. The next day I’m happy.
Another day I’m sad, sad, sad. I wasn’t okay. Psychologically too, I wasn’t fine.
[Nessa Hagoz] So, what was the final straw that finally pushed you to pack up and leave?
[Guest] That wasn’t the final straw but I just told myself, is this something I want to do forever? Do I want to be with someone like this forever? Can I cope with this? Let’s leave love aside. I love him so much but love him aside. Can I cope with this kind of character? I spoke to myself and I realised that I can’t.
So, I think we just had a minor issue and it was him who called it off. I’m like, God, thank you. So, he helped me move on immediately.
[Nessa Hagoz] When you look back at it all today, how are you currently feeling and what have you learned from the experience?
[Guest] Currently, I am happy that it happened because I never believed that there was going to be a separation between us for the first time. So, while in the separation, it was hurting. It was bad.
It hurt so much but then there were lessons that came together with the pain. I learned how to have stronger boundaries. I don’t make excuses for anybody and I think I know what I want now.
If what I want does not align with what I have before me, I’m not settling. When I meet you and you have a certain character that I do not like, I will talk to you about it and if nothing can be done, I will just have to let go. I’ve learned how to not hold on to something that is not good for me.
[Nessa Hagoz] Do you still miss him at all and if so, what exactly is that you miss?
[Guest] Of course, I miss him. He’s really a playful somebody. He plays a lot.
So, I miss the playful part of him when he wants to play and I also miss the him that knows how to run with a vision. We were giving collaborative vibes like I have the idea, he has the speed. So, when I find myself or when I have things that make me remember, whatever I shared with him then, I just smile.
I know that his character was not good but he wasn’t all that bad. He wasn’t a bad person.
[Nessa Hagoz] If you could sit down and give him one piece of advice right now, what would it be?
[Guest] One piece of advice. Be true to yourself. Be true to yourself. Be honest.
Sit down by yourself. Think and be honest to yourself. I think when he does that, he’s going to figure out a lot of things that are not okay with him and then maybe he will have the mindset to work on it.
[Nessa Hagoz] Have you found yourself accidentally falling into the same trap with another narcissist since then?
[Guest] Let’s say yes, not falling into the trap because when I knew that this was narcissism and all of that, I had very strong boundaries. I wouldn’t say I fell for another but I would say that I realised that all around me, I attracted this kind of people. I have them as friends.
I have them as talking stage. I have them everywhere around me and I’m like, what is this thing in me that is making me attract this kind of person? I started by keeping my strong boundaries. I didn’t fall for any other one.
Instead, when I met them, if your goals or whatever thing it is we’re talking about or sharing doesn’t align with his own, doesn’t align with mine, I’m letting go immediately. I’m never letting you come close. I’ve met lots of them and I moved differently this time.
[Nessa Hagoz] After everything you survived, do you still believe in love?
[Guest] Of course, I believe in love one billion, zillion, trillion, billion, dollar, dollar, billion, billion, millions. I didn’t say more than millions and billions and I believe in love because love is real. It’s okay to love the wrong person at the wrong time or wrong person.
I was only the wrong person at the wrong time. I still believe in love and I still believe that I’m going to find that person that will love me just the way I want to be loved and I will love the person right back. I still believe in love.
Trust me.
[Nessa Hagoz] What advice would you give to someone else who is currently dating a narcissist?
[Guest] The advice is this, they’re not really that bad because this whole thing is a psychological problem. What I mean by they’re not that bad is there are two ways to be with a narcissist.
My advice for anyone with a narcissist is either you leave because it’s more than draining to try to be with them. It’s a lot of intentional work to try to be with them. It’s either you leave because you might not be willing to put in the work to get that person to the same realm or the same line of understanding as you or you have to be there with the person.
There is a way to love narcissists. There is a way to be with them. There are ways.
It’s not something I’ll start explaining in this podcast but there are ways to be with those people. You don’t cling around them like those ways are what’s the word like what the norm like a norm that we have in the world today which is what we call love the ways to be with a narcissist is not in alignment with what is what love is called so it’s difficult for people to find themselves trying to do that with someone just because they believe they love the person that’s why I’m saying that my advice for anyone with a narcissist now is to either leave or be strong enough to do the work most of the times 80 percent of times people leave and living is always the best because you live with your health good health you know you’re not you’re not going crazy so thank you