I didn’t plan to talk about toxic relationships, at least not in this episode.
In fact, I had a completely different topic in mind. It involved a little child speaking up for their parent, and I was already preparing for it.
But after I came across a YouTube Short analyzing a clip from the documentary The Crash, the idea for this episode simply wouldn’t leave me alone.
Every time I tried to focus on the original topic, this one pushed its way back into my mind. It stayed there until I finally gave up resisting and decided to go with it.
So here we are.
In this episode, I share my experience of being in a deeply unhealthy relationship and the lessons I learned from it.
What started as a promising relationship quickly turned into months of emotional exhaustion, manipulation, control, jealousy, and constant drama. Looking back, there were warning signs from the very beginning, but I did not fully understand what I was dealing with at the time.
I talk about how emotional manipulation can trap people in situations they know are unhealthy, especially when guilt, fear, and threats are involved. I also reflect on how important it is to trust your instincts when something feels wrong, particularly in the early stages of a relationship before emotions cloud your judgment.
Beyond the relationship itself, I discuss personal growth, the importance of recognizing toxic behaviour, and why seeking help is crucial for both victims and perpetrators. I also share a few lighter moments, including my fascination with learning random facts and how curiosity continues to enrich my everyday life.
Repeat after me, may I never be in a toxic relationship.
So help me God.
Amen.
Hey, I am Nessa Hagoz and this is Bathroom Musings episode 6.
Let’s go!
Construction was happening during the recording of this episode so if you hear any noise, I’m sorry.
I really tried my best.
I was on YouTube when I came across this Short and it was a behavioural analyst talking about analysing a clip from the documentary The Crash.
Up until that day, I didn’t even know about McKenzie, The Crash, nothing.
So I decided to do some research and the idea for today’s episode was born.
I wrote about what I’m about to share with you on Medium like two years ago but I just feel like I need to expand more on it.
If you want to read the article, I’ll leave a link to it.
It’s my old Medium account so it’s not behind any paywall or anything like that.
I was 25 years old and he was 33.
And we got talking.
We got into a relationship and in two months, he asked me to marry him.
But I noticed something about this guy, my soon-to-be husband.
He was prone to terrible emotional outbursts and he would throw very stupid tantrums.
Let me give you an example.
One day, he called me and he was like, he was raging, he was angry, he was fuming, ranting and he was like, his dad is a fool.
I said, uh-uh, no, we don’t do that here.
And he was like, no, his dad is a fool.
I said, no, you don’t talk about your father like that.
And he said that he was, he still hadn’t said what his dad did.
He said he was going to take his father’s secrets and willingly hand them over to his father’s enemies so that his father’s enemies would have something against his father.
Now, before I go on, this guy is from a wealthy, famous, powerful family in my country.
Talk about wealth, fame, money, status, power.
Yes.
So doing something like this would be very, not just, it wouldn’t just damage his father’s name, but damage his father, damage the family, the family name and the ripple effect would be terrible.
But this guy wasn’t thinking about it.
No, he was just angry because his father refused to give him financial aid.
A 33-year-old man.
Your dad refused to give you money.
You’re acting like a child that he took candy from.
Ah, I was disappointed.
I scolded him.
I talked to him like he would talk to a child.
I said, are you okay?
I said, why would you even, like, can you hear yourself?
Can you actually hear yourself?
And he could tell that I was so disappointed.
And he started trying to like, okay, like, you know, I noticed just something, something so little, he would threaten to beat someone.
Like he threatened to gather boys to like beat someone.
And as I said, the power, the fame, the money, he had the means to make good on his threats.
He never physically abused me.
He never verbally abused me.
But you can tell who a person really is, not necessarily by the way they treat you, but by the way they treat other people.
And there was just something wrong.
Ah, let’s leave the stupid tantrums.
Let’s talk about the emotional and mental drain I went through in the hands of this man in the name of a relationship.
This guy would call me at odd hours, 12, 1, 2 AM.
It’s not like it’s an emergency.
It’s not like, oh, you miss me so much, you love me so much that you can’t even breathe, you can’t even sleep, you just have to hear my voice before you can peacefully go to bed.
No, it’s not that.
It’s to police me.
It’s like, it’s to check if I was awake.
One day he called, he said, who are you talking to?
I said, I don’t understand.
You woke me from sleeping asking who was I talking to?
And he said, okay, okay, okay, fine.
That’s all.
That’s okay.
I just wanted to check.
Oh yeah, now my guy be going.
Nah, who do I want to go and talk to?
Like, why am I chasing him?
I’m like, okay.
So he slept off.
I ended the call.
Five minutes later, he called back.
Now, why did I end the call?
Who do I want to talk to?
I said, I want to sleep, guy.
Can you actually see the time?
I want to sleep.
He’s like, but he wants to talk to me.
I said, but you’re sleepy.
Can you just go, please?
He said, but I said, you are sleeping, guy.
Okay, I’ll let you fall asleep.
And I ended the call and I refused to pick the call.
This guy had the guts to tell me that the only men I’m allowed to talk to are people I’m related to by blood.
Family friends, church members, out of the picture.
And God forbid that you have a male friend.
Are you mad?
Nope, never, not happening.
I was a social media manager at that time.
And this guy told me that, oh, I’ll have to stop that work and that he would open a business for me and I’d have a physical store.
So I’ll leave my own business, my own business that I started, and I’ll allow myself to be under you.
Okay.
So he’ll do stuff like, I’m telling you, it was really emotional.
Now that I’m talking about it, I’m laughing, but it wasn’t funny then.
One day I was on a call with him and my dad’s friend came to the house.
So I went to go greet my dad’s friend, normal pleasantries, exchange, yada, yada.
Five minutes.
I don’t think this whole thing took five minutes.
When I came back, I got a text from him and guess what this guy said: you should have told me your dad has found a man for you, and that’s why they don’t want me to marry you.
You should have just told me instead of wasting my time.
I was like, how did you get from here to here?
I don’t understand.
I called him.
And the first question I asked was, I got your text.
Are you okay?
I told you that my dad’s friend came to the house.
So my father who loves me so much would hand me over to his friend that is either his age mate or maybe a year older than him for me to be his wife?
His friend whose first child is either my mate or my senior by one year?
Do you even think before you do stuff like this or say stuff like this?
And he was like, oh my goodness.
Listen, you guys, two or three months later, I told him, I said, you know what?
I can’t do this anymore.
I’m done.
He was in the hospital.
And before you start thinking I’m a very heartless person—I don’t even care if you think that, but let me explain.
He was in the hospital because even though he has the money to take care of himself, he would just be living recklessly.
That’s why he was there.
And he was just misbehaving.
I’m like, see, I’m done.
That day I was like, I’m done, please.
I beg you.
I can’t do this again.
Okay.
And then he started crying and I wasn’t even moved because I was truly and thoroughly tired.
I wasn’t saying it’s over for him to like beg me, or for him to start behaving properly.
I wanted him to go, seriously.
And I was praying at that point, I said, I don’t want this guy again.
God, you know.
So I just had to tell him I’m not doing it.
He was crying.
And when he saw his tears weren’t moving me at all, he started insulting me.
The first time he did it, he insulted me.
He said, you’re wicked.
You’re heartless.
I said, thank you very much.
Yeah, thank you.
And when he saw that the insults weren’t penetrating, he started threatening to take his life.
He said, there are two drips here.
I’ll exchange them and I’ll inject myself, and whatever happens, you’d answer to my family.
Now I wasn’t, and I’m still not scared of his family, because I know where I come from.
But my fear was that this person’s blood would be on my hands.
I know it doesn’t make sense, but in my mind, I was thinking to myself, like, I wanted to say, nah, this life is too sweet for you, you wouldn’t do it.
But then he started tapping his hand, like his palm, as if he was looking for a vein to inject.
And at that point, I was truly petrified.
I was so scared.
I was so, so scared.
I was afraid.
I don’t even know the word to use.
I was like, oh my goodness.
And so I started begging.
The offended became the beggar.
I begged.
I was like, I’m sorry.
Please don’t do it.
I’m sorry.
I’m not going anywhere.
I love you.
I’m here.
Please.
I’m sorry.
He was like, no, since you don’t want me to…
I said, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
He was saying that he would inject himself and whatever would happen, his family members would go through his phone and realize that I was the last person he talked with.
And then they would call me and ask what happened.
And I was begging.
I said, I’m sorry.
Forgive me.
Please don’t do it.
I don’t know if I had still refused, if he would have taken his life.
I don’t know.
I just didn’t want to find out.
So I begged him.
I said I loved him and all of that stuff.
And he was happy.
And I was trapped in a relationship.
We finally broke up.
This relationship was just four months old—four months of emotional and mental drain and torture.
I’m not joking.
Four months of my life I’ll never get back.
But at least I have stories from there.
Now, two to three years later, I got a text and the person was like, I miss you.
I’m sorry about how everything happened.
I wish we were together.
I was like, who is this?
Who is this?
I don’t understand.
So I called the number and it was this guy.
And he wanted to start up again.
I said, see, see, just hold on.
It will never happen.
I can never be in a relationship with you.
So don’t even go further.
Just stop.
Okay, end it there.
But then I asked, I said, so what happened exactly?
Why did you text me?
He was like, he’s having issues with his girlfriend.
I’m like, oh, so you are in a relationship and you texted me?
And he was like, I will leave this lady if you accept me.
I said, no, no, no.
Stay where you are.
Just stay back there.
Okay.
So, a topic for another day, but I finally talked to his girlfriend and what she told me that this guy did to her…
I’ve only heard it on true crime podcasts.
And it’s either the victim is missing, dead, or physically deformed because of the atrocities done.
I was so shocked.
After the call, I was on my bed and I was just there for like, maybe one or two minutes because I just couldn’t wrap my head around what I heard.
I was shocked.
I was unfounded.
I was perplexed.
I was stunned.
Like, there are no words.
I was like, so this is the bullet I dodged.
So this is the thing I’d have married.
Granted, he didn’t do any of the things that this lady said he did to her to me, but I don’t even want to think about it.
I don’t even want to think about it.
God forbid.
I don’t even want to think about it.
You know, I stayed back then because he threatened to take his life.
And to people who are in situations like this, please get help.
Talk to a professional so they can help extract you from that hell.
And if you are the threatener, the toxic one, I don’t know what you’re going through emotionally, psychologically, mentally.
I don’t know.
Please get help.
There is a local saying that literally translates to: you can’t be a poor person and also be a witch.
Please get help.
Some people might think like, nah, these people give attention and that’s why you stayed.
I just pray you never ever meet people like this.
It’s never the attention.
The attention is so… what’s the right word?
Oh my goodness.
It’s not just toxic.
It’s not even overwhelming.
That’s not the word at all.
Holy Spirit help me.
What’s the right word I’m looking for right now?
It’s suffocating.
Thank you, Holy Spirit.
That’s the right word.
It’s suffocating.
Oh my goodness, it’s so suffocating.
Like it’s not even attention like, oh, I love you.
It’s like, I want to control you.
I want to own you in a way that I’m actually controlling you, like you don’t have a mind of your own.
See, if I keep going on and on and on, it will take hours.
It was so terrible.
So this is what I would say.
When you first meet someone and you get that feeling that something is wrong with this person, run.
Run, male, female, run.
At this point, your emotions are not clouding your judgement.
So your head and your heart, they are aligned.
They know what they’re telling you.
Run.
I’m telling you, 99% of the time you are correct.
This person is so wrong for you.
Okay.
Okay, I have a book now.
It’s called The Friendless Friend on Amazon.
If you are in Africa, you can buy it on Amazon, but you can also get it on my store.
It’s shop.nessahagoz.com.
I’ll leave the links in the description.
Please get it.
And if you’ve already read the book, please do also give a review for me on Amazon, Goodreads, or Selar.
I truly appreciate it.
Thank you.
Back to the episode.
So I started doing something, because I love learning random stuff.
I set up something that sends me an email about a random topic.
So how did I do this?
I went to an LLM and I asked it to ask me about my interests.
It gave me some things, and I said what I liked, and then it recommended 30 topics.
So I kept tweaking until I got the perfect 30 for me.
I set it up for me to be emailed one random topic every day.
The one for yesterday was that people actually believe that cracking your knuckles could cause arthritis.
I didn’t even know it was a thing until I got that.
And I started to look on YouTube and, yeah, people actually believe that.
So nope, it’s a myth, but they said it’s better you don’t really do it, though it doesn’t really make any difference whether you do it or not.
So you can check it out.
It’s truly fascinating.
The body is truly, truly fascinating.
Yes, talking about random facts.
Did you know that a koala’s fingerprints can be mistaken for a human being’s own?
Well, that’s something for you to think on and you can also do some research about it.
Thank you for staying with me.
Please be sure to give this five stars if you think it’s worth it.
Tell your friends about it and until next time.
See ya.